Five Things I've Learnt About Myself Recently

The past few months have proven to be huge opportunities for me to re-discover myself and understand the person I am now. I've gone from never thinking about myself or my needs to thinking about what I want before anything else - I've noticed that sometimes, it's okay to be selfish. 

In celebration of the me I'm becoming, I thought I'd share five things I've learnt about myself recently, in the hopes that you can find a part of yourself there too. 

Being Single Is Bloody Difficult, But I Love It

I've been single for about 6 months now, and it is NOTHING like I thought it would be. The last time I was single, I was 16 years old and just about to leave secondary school for college. I was young, definitely not 'grown' and knew nothing about love or what it entailed. Now I'm 20, and it honestly feels like I've been thrown into this whole new world of dating apps and social media. Who knew that talking to someone could be so stressful when you add Instagram stories and likes into the equation?

My experience of being single so far has been interesting and eventful, to say the least. However, what I am enjoying is learning about how I react to situations I wouldn't have been privy to if I'd stayed in my previous relationship.  I'm learning that it's okay to be alone, and that you don't need a partner to feel whole. The word 'single' in itself means 'whole', and it's taken me a while to realise that.

I Can Love From Afar

Being in your 20's and in recovery, it's sort of inevitable that relationships that you used to have may no longer serve you or make you feel the same way they did before. This is something I've experienced time and time again; it's sad, it's difficult, but it's so important to listen to what you need to do. 

With some people, you cut off from them completely. You unfollow them, block them, and hope for your own sake that you'll never see them again. For others, you still want to love them - and contrary to many other people's beliefs, I think that's okay. I've made peace with the endings of relationships in my life, and have realised that you don't need to be in someones life to love them and wish them happiness. You can love from afar, and still move on healthily and happily whilst focusing on you. I personally think that it's a beautiful thought, and it definitely helps to not allow a break up to break you. 

 Food No Longer Controls My Life

I've put a huge amount of work into recovering from Bulimia and I'll be the first to say that it's been really fucking difficult!! It's taken me the best of the last 6 years to get to where I am now, but I'm finally at a place where I can say that food doesn't control my every day life anymore.

Do I still think about the effects food will have on my body? Do I still have days where all I can think of is what I look like? Yes. But I'm strong enough now to not let those thoughts have a negative impact on my life as a whole, which is actually a bit mad. Books like Eat Up! by Ruby Tandoh have been a huge help in getting me here, going back to the roots of food and the simplicity of it all. I'd definitely recommend giving it a read if an eating disorder/disordered eating is something you struggle with. 

Small Talk Is One Of The Things I Hate Most In This World

I honestly don't think I've ever experienced anything more mind-numbingly boring than small talk. I don't understand how people do it. Unless a conversation interests me and feeds my soul or makes me laugh, I don't want to be a part of it...I just don't have the time. 

Now this doesn't mean that I want all conversations to revolve around the meaning of the world and why we're here; it just means don't text me "what you saying?" every few months out of the blue or try to discuss the weather with me in my Instagram DM's. Who's got the time?

My Solace Lies In My Solitude

The pursuit of happiness is often portrayed as finding happiness in someone else. All I have to say on this subject is that as long as you're happy within yourself and as long as you're doing you, you're doing great. The peace and happiness you're searching for is inside you and always has been, so stop searching for it in other people and focus on finding it in yourself instead. It's already there, all you need to do is open yourself up to the possibility that you're the only person you need to create happiness within yourself.  

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Dressing For Herself

I feel like a lot of emphasis is put on what a woman wears. Whether that be in the media or the every day life of a woman of the public, what a woman wears seems to have a huge effect on what society thinks of her. Why? I have no idea. Growing up I've felt a lot of pressure to look a certain way, behave a certain way and to dress a certain way. Recently my reaction to all of this has been...fuck it.

 

Whoever you are, whatever size you are, whatever skin colour you have, whatever gender you identify as - don't allow society to tell you what you can and can't wear. Wear what makes YOU feel comfortable and what makes you happy. Don't restrict yourself for the sake of other people feeling more 'comfortable'. I've spent years of my life conforming to things that are supposedly more 'flattering' for my figure. Not any more.

It's such a liberating thing to wear clothes you love with confidence; without thinking about what other people might feel about the way your body looks in them, because really...what has it got to do with them?

A year or so ago, my first thought when I put on an outfit would be "what will other people think of me in this?" or "how can I change this so it will look more flattering when people see me?" - I was 100% dressing for other people rather than myself because I was so preoccupied with wanting to create a look that would be accepted by both strangers and my friendship group. I would even wear things I didn't like or felt extremely uncomfortable in because I thought it meant that I would fit in more.

What I've learnt from this is that stepping out of your comfort zone and dressing for yourself can actually make you feel more comfortable in who you are.

It takes bravery and confidence, but if I can learn to dress for myself, so can you. 

All photography by Nicole-Shola.