Five Things I've Learnt About Myself Recently

The past few months have proven to be huge opportunities for me to re-discover myself and understand the person I am now. I've gone from never thinking about myself or my needs to thinking about what I want before anything else - I've noticed that sometimes, it's okay to be selfish. 

In celebration of the me I'm becoming, I thought I'd share five things I've learnt about myself recently, in the hopes that you can find a part of yourself there too. 

Being Single Is Bloody Difficult, But I Love It

I've been single for about 6 months now, and it is NOTHING like I thought it would be. The last time I was single, I was 16 years old and just about to leave secondary school for college. I was young, definitely not 'grown' and knew nothing about love or what it entailed. Now I'm 20, and it honestly feels like I've been thrown into this whole new world of dating apps and social media. Who knew that talking to someone could be so stressful when you add Instagram stories and likes into the equation?

My experience of being single so far has been interesting and eventful, to say the least. However, what I am enjoying is learning about how I react to situations I wouldn't have been privy to if I'd stayed in my previous relationship.  I'm learning that it's okay to be alone, and that you don't need a partner to feel whole. The word 'single' in itself means 'whole', and it's taken me a while to realise that.

I Can Love From Afar

Being in your 20's and in recovery, it's sort of inevitable that relationships that you used to have may no longer serve you or make you feel the same way they did before. This is something I've experienced time and time again; it's sad, it's difficult, but it's so important to listen to what you need to do. 

With some people, you cut off from them completely. You unfollow them, block them, and hope for your own sake that you'll never see them again. For others, you still want to love them - and contrary to many other people's beliefs, I think that's okay. I've made peace with the endings of relationships in my life, and have realised that you don't need to be in someones life to love them and wish them happiness. You can love from afar, and still move on healthily and happily whilst focusing on you. I personally think that it's a beautiful thought, and it definitely helps to not allow a break up to break you. 

 Food No Longer Controls My Life

I've put a huge amount of work into recovering from Bulimia and I'll be the first to say that it's been really fucking difficult!! It's taken me the best of the last 6 years to get to where I am now, but I'm finally at a place where I can say that food doesn't control my every day life anymore.

Do I still think about the effects food will have on my body? Do I still have days where all I can think of is what I look like? Yes. But I'm strong enough now to not let those thoughts have a negative impact on my life as a whole, which is actually a bit mad. Books like Eat Up! by Ruby Tandoh have been a huge help in getting me here, going back to the roots of food and the simplicity of it all. I'd definitely recommend giving it a read if an eating disorder/disordered eating is something you struggle with. 

Small Talk Is One Of The Things I Hate Most In This World

I honestly don't think I've ever experienced anything more mind-numbingly boring than small talk. I don't understand how people do it. Unless a conversation interests me and feeds my soul or makes me laugh, I don't want to be a part of it...I just don't have the time. 

Now this doesn't mean that I want all conversations to revolve around the meaning of the world and why we're here; it just means don't text me "what you saying?" every few months out of the blue or try to discuss the weather with me in my Instagram DM's. Who's got the time?

My Solace Lies In My Solitude

The pursuit of happiness is often portrayed as finding happiness in someone else. All I have to say on this subject is that as long as you're happy within yourself and as long as you're doing you, you're doing great. The peace and happiness you're searching for is inside you and always has been, so stop searching for it in other people and focus on finding it in yourself instead. It's already there, all you need to do is open yourself up to the possibility that you're the only person you need to create happiness within yourself.  

Shop This Post

Jumper (Similar) || ASOS

Trainers || ASOS

Leggings || ASOS

Why A Hoodie Doesn't Have To Be Boring

I absolutely LOVE a good statement piece in an outfit. Something that just stands out and takes the stage. I makes me feel powerful, strong and independent - like I've really got something to show off...something unique. I never used to be one to show off an outfit because I never really felt good in the clothes I wore; mostly because I was dressing for other people rather than for myself. Now, I take so much pleasure in wearing pieces that stand out and make me feel confident. They don't even need to be flattering! As long as I feel comfortable I'm happy.

Over the past few years my style has consistently changed, moving with the times and maturing the older I got. Stepping out of your style comfort zone can be a tricky process for anyone. Taking the reins and 'just doing you' is MUCH easier said than done, but it's a must if you're ever going to feel comfortable in the style you wear. I think that I've finally come to a point in my life where I know what 'my' style is, and I'm enjoying every moment of it.

Now, I'm the kind of person who will happily walk around in a hoodie and a pair of jeans/leggings forever. I find the combination so easy and comfy and it's just an timeless pairing, one that I'll probably stick to forever because you can't really go wrong with a casual outfit like that. It's convenient, it's simple and you really don't have to think too much about it - but lets be honest, the usual combo can get a little bit old sometimes. Why not switch it up with a completely different style of hoodie?

I found this little number on ASOS in the mens section (spoiler, all the best hoodies are in the mens section) and I have been wearing it ever since. In fact, I am sat wearing this exact hoodie as I type this in front of the fire and the telly watching Nigella Lawson. It's the perfect lazy day hoodie, the perfect statement piece and it's one of the comfiest hoodie's I've ever worn! You can buy this jumper here. Go on, treat yourself, it's nearly Christmas...

All photography by Nicole Shola.

Dressing For Herself

I feel like a lot of emphasis is put on what a woman wears. Whether that be in the media or the every day life of a woman of the public, what a woman wears seems to have a huge effect on what society thinks of her. Why? I have no idea. Growing up I've felt a lot of pressure to look a certain way, behave a certain way and to dress a certain way. Recently my reaction to all of this has been...fuck it.

 

Whoever you are, whatever size you are, whatever skin colour you have, whatever gender you identify as - don't allow society to tell you what you can and can't wear. Wear what makes YOU feel comfortable and what makes you happy. Don't restrict yourself for the sake of other people feeling more 'comfortable'. I've spent years of my life conforming to things that are supposedly more 'flattering' for my figure. Not any more.

It's such a liberating thing to wear clothes you love with confidence; without thinking about what other people might feel about the way your body looks in them, because really...what has it got to do with them?

A year or so ago, my first thought when I put on an outfit would be "what will other people think of me in this?" or "how can I change this so it will look more flattering when people see me?" - I was 100% dressing for other people rather than myself because I was so preoccupied with wanting to create a look that would be accepted by both strangers and my friendship group. I would even wear things I didn't like or felt extremely uncomfortable in because I thought it meant that I would fit in more.

What I've learnt from this is that stepping out of your comfort zone and dressing for yourself can actually make you feel more comfortable in who you are.

It takes bravery and confidence, but if I can learn to dress for myself, so can you. 

All photography by Nicole-Shola.

So...What Happens Next?

Today, I thought I'd do a little life-update for you guys. Where I'm at, where I'm planning to go, and what I hope the future holds for me. 

I'll start by saying that this year is absolutely not ending the way I thought it would be, but that's okay. I'm a very organised person, so I like to think that I can plan my life step by step and that everything will automatically go to plan. Oh no, no, no...That has definitely not been the case for me in recent years. Saying that, you would've thought that I'd learnt that I can't control everything in my life by now. 

Apparently not. 

I began my year working part-time in a cafe (I job I adored) that I'd been working in for the past 3 years through school. It was a lovely little job and I enjoyed it until the very end, but in September of this year I decided that I needed a change. I was seeing the same faces every day and I was falling out of love with the work I was doing. It was becoming repetitive and I knew that if I stayed, I might never leave. I quit and decided to move onto something else. At this point I was also beginning my degree at The Open University, studying English Literature and Creative Writing (which I am LOVING). 

I then began another job, but I was beginning to feel extremely sad. I felt like I was just hopping from one part time job to another, and it just wasn't feeding my creativity or benefitting my future. I tried to see if I could face it if I adjusted my hours, but that didn't help at all. I felt down all the time and I was so upset that I couldn't even focus on my studies or the things that I loved, because I was so preoccupied with the things I didn't want to do. Needless to say, I quit that job quite recently. There was nothing wrong with the place itself whatsoever, the people were lovely and the environment was nice. It just wasn't right for me. 

Now, here we are. I decided after quitting that job that I wouldn't apply for anything that didn't feed me creatively or benefit my future. At the moment, my main focus is university (part time) and finding a full time job that really benefits me. One that makes me happy. Life is way to short to spend it doing something that doesn't benefit you or make you happy.

Alongside my studies, I'm contributing to my mum's furniture business which is where my income is coming from currently. I'm writing and shooting for this blog which is where the rest of my effort goes. I'm also planning to start making YouTube videos again because it's something I used to love doing - the only reason I stopped was because I felt embarrassed about what other people thought, but now that I'm in the mindset of 'fuck it', I'mma get back to it. You can subscribe to my Channel here - I'll be uploading twice a week! My first video back will be up on Sunday at 6pm.

The truth is, I'm not where I thought I would be at the beginning of the year. I'm in an even better place because none of it was planned. I am the happiest I've been in years because I'm working for myself (and my mum..), I'm studying a subject I love, I'm investing more time into the people I love and the things I love doing, and I'm really starting to feel like myself again. 

I guess the moral of the story is that things don't have to go to plan for them to be amazing, and life doesn't have to be perfect for it to be wonderful x

All photography by Nicole-Shola.