Five Things I've Learnt About Myself Recently

The past few months have proven to be huge opportunities for me to re-discover myself and understand the person I am now. I've gone from never thinking about myself or my needs to thinking about what I want before anything else - I've noticed that sometimes, it's okay to be selfish. 

In celebration of the me I'm becoming, I thought I'd share five things I've learnt about myself recently, in the hopes that you can find a part of yourself there too. 

Being Single Is Bloody Difficult, But I Love It

I've been single for about 6 months now, and it is NOTHING like I thought it would be. The last time I was single, I was 16 years old and just about to leave secondary school for college. I was young, definitely not 'grown' and knew nothing about love or what it entailed. Now I'm 20, and it honestly feels like I've been thrown into this whole new world of dating apps and social media. Who knew that talking to someone could be so stressful when you add Instagram stories and likes into the equation?

My experience of being single so far has been interesting and eventful, to say the least. However, what I am enjoying is learning about how I react to situations I wouldn't have been privy to if I'd stayed in my previous relationship.  I'm learning that it's okay to be alone, and that you don't need a partner to feel whole. The word 'single' in itself means 'whole', and it's taken me a while to realise that.

I Can Love From Afar

Being in your 20's and in recovery, it's sort of inevitable that relationships that you used to have may no longer serve you or make you feel the same way they did before. This is something I've experienced time and time again; it's sad, it's difficult, but it's so important to listen to what you need to do. 

With some people, you cut off from them completely. You unfollow them, block them, and hope for your own sake that you'll never see them again. For others, you still want to love them - and contrary to many other people's beliefs, I think that's okay. I've made peace with the endings of relationships in my life, and have realised that you don't need to be in someones life to love them and wish them happiness. You can love from afar, and still move on healthily and happily whilst focusing on you. I personally think that it's a beautiful thought, and it definitely helps to not allow a break up to break you. 

 Food No Longer Controls My Life

I've put a huge amount of work into recovering from Bulimia and I'll be the first to say that it's been really fucking difficult!! It's taken me the best of the last 6 years to get to where I am now, but I'm finally at a place where I can say that food doesn't control my every day life anymore.

Do I still think about the effects food will have on my body? Do I still have days where all I can think of is what I look like? Yes. But I'm strong enough now to not let those thoughts have a negative impact on my life as a whole, which is actually a bit mad. Books like Eat Up! by Ruby Tandoh have been a huge help in getting me here, going back to the roots of food and the simplicity of it all. I'd definitely recommend giving it a read if an eating disorder/disordered eating is something you struggle with. 

Small Talk Is One Of The Things I Hate Most In This World

I honestly don't think I've ever experienced anything more mind-numbingly boring than small talk. I don't understand how people do it. Unless a conversation interests me and feeds my soul or makes me laugh, I don't want to be a part of it...I just don't have the time. 

Now this doesn't mean that I want all conversations to revolve around the meaning of the world and why we're here; it just means don't text me "what you saying?" every few months out of the blue or try to discuss the weather with me in my Instagram DM's. Who's got the time?

My Solace Lies In My Solitude

The pursuit of happiness is often portrayed as finding happiness in someone else. All I have to say on this subject is that as long as you're happy within yourself and as long as you're doing you, you're doing great. The peace and happiness you're searching for is inside you and always has been, so stop searching for it in other people and focus on finding it in yourself instead. It's already there, all you need to do is open yourself up to the possibility that you're the only person you need to create happiness within yourself.  

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If I'm Acting Different, I Caught On.

Mixed signals are not 'mysterious', and uncertainty is a breeding ground for insecurity - this is something I've become aware of very recently. 

We become insecure when things stop adding up; when something doesn't feel quite right. At the beginning of a new relationship, no matter what kind of relationship it is, people can often come across as 'mysterious' or 'coy' during the first few interactions, as you're essentially working each other out and getting to know the person you've chosen to spend time with. 

However, there's a very fine line between mystery and manipulation. 

If those mixed signals continue for a while, whilst the relationship is progressing, you are dealing with someone who is trying to manipulate you by creating a sense of uncertainty around the relationship in which you're about to endeavour. 

    

Creating uncertainty is a form of manipulation, because that's what allows somebody to control you. Feeling uncertain around a person means that you're always looking to seek answers from them which, in turn, makes you want to live up to their expectations and earn their validation. 

If someone is sending you mixed signals and has been for an extended period of time, I'm here to say that I don't think they're very interested in you. 

I know, it's hard to hear and it's hard to digest. You probably won't agree, because you have a "connection". You've seen sides to this person that nobody else ever has, and when you're together it feels "right". I hear you, I hear you, I hear you. I've been in that position before. 

Allow me to ease you into an explanation that will help you see what you've been unwilling to see so far. Just think about this for a moment: this person you're talking to/are in a relationship with/have a complicated history of interactions with, has relationships outside of their relationship with you. 

Right? 

Whether those are romantic relationships or platonic relationships - this person has managed to maintain some form of relationship throughout their life.

This goes to show that if this person cares, they are willing to make enough effort with people in their lives to create long, lasting relationships. So why are they not doing the same for you?

If someone is interested in you, you will be very aware. They will be attentive, they'll listen to what you have to say, they'll answer your questions and they will make room for you. Simply put; it will feel healthy.

We are accountable for what we make room for, so maybe it's time to start thinking about how much space you're willing to give someone who hasn't given up any for you.